A slammed cabinet door. A loud sigh. Tension so thick it hums under everyday conversation. Forks scraping plates in a room suddenly too quiet. An argument that circles the same topics—again and again.

We know such moments all too well.

They can start with a joke that lands wrong. Or a glance that said too much. A promise remembered by one person and forgotten by the other.

Such conflict rarely announces itself. It builds—layer by layer—until things finally boil over. When that happens, it is oh so easy to ask: “Who started it?”

We ask to pinpoint the cause, to assign blame, to justify our frustration. But what if we turned the question around? Instead of who started the conflict, what if we asked, “Who will start peace?”

Family conflicts can be some of the most challenging aspects of life. The stress of daily responsibilities only adds to the tension, pushing everyone to their limits. Children bear the weight of these struggles, sometimes left feeling unsettled or even unsafe in their own homes.

Almost anyone can start a conflict, but few know how to end one.

The culprits are predictable. A 2024 study from the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign found that communication struggles, emotional tensions and household responsibilities are among the leading causes of family conflict. Parents and teenagers often clash over chores and technology, while parents of younger children battle bedtime routines and picky eating. A 2020 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that nearly 27 percent of adults reported estrangement from a family member. Broken communication and unresolved conflicts have torn families apart for generations.

There is a better path—one that comes from the most overlooked source: the Author of the family Himself. Genesis 1 tells us, “God created man in His own image…male and female created He them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply…” (vs. 27-28).

From the very beginning, God designed the family structure and gave it purpose. As its Creator, He knows how it should function—and He can help you become a peacemaker if you seek His guidance.

The Bible presents timeless principles that can transform you into a true peacemaker. These keys are actionable, practical steps grounded in Scripture that can rebuild harmony in your home.

Peace must be actively pursued. Psalm 34:14 instructs, “Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.”

That is why peace is listed as a fruit—not a gift—of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22. Like fruit, it requires time, care and the right conditions to grow. Likewise, true peace flourishes over time when we live by the standards of the “God of peace” (I Thes. 5:23; Rom. 15:33).

But someone has to be willing to take the first step. Matthew 5:9 states, “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” Notice that it does not say blessed are the peacekeepers. While peacekeeping often involves avoiding conflict, peacemaking requires stepping in and actively creating peace where none exists. Think of a peacekeeper as someone who maintains calm by keeping tensions at bay. A peacemaker, by contrast, steps into unrest and works to transform it.

Again, the real question is not who started it. It is: Will you be the one who starts peace?

The following biblical principles will help you become a peacemaker in your family.

Take the Initiative

The first key comes from Romans 12:18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people” (New American Standard Bible).

Waiting for others to mend relationships often leads to deeper rifts. A true peacemaker takes the first step—even if you were not the one who caused the conflict. This may mean reaching out with a kind message, an invitation to talk, or an offer to help with a task. Small gestures can pave the way for reconciliation.

Taking initiative feels risky. It takes humility, courage and a willingness to swallow pride and face discomfort. But someone has to begin the healing process.

Jesus Christ illustrates this in Matthew 5: “If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering” (vs. 23-24, NASB).

Taking the initiative also involves being willing to forgive. Sometimes, peace cannot begin until we release a grudge.

The story of Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament provides a powerful example. After years of estrangement, Jacob feared Esau’s wrath. Yet when they finally met, Esau ran to meet Jacob, embraced him and wept (Gen. 33:4). Like Esau, we must be ready to forgive—especially when forgiveness could thaw a long-frozen relationship.

So what about you? What step can you take today to rebuild peace in your family? It may feel risky. It might go unnoticed at first. But remember: Peace must be planted before it can grow. Plant the seeds, and with time, God can make them grow.

Practice Restraint

The second key comes from Proverbs 25:15, which states, “By long forbearing is a prince persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone.”

Peacemaking requires more than just choosing the right words. It begins with the discipline to listen carefully before speaking. Often, restraint is expressed through silence, attentiveness and patience.

Words can spark conflict—or soothe it. As Dale Carnegie wrote in his famous book How to Win Friends and Influence People, “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” Peacemakers understand the importance of restraint.

When emotions are running high, it is often best to listen first and speak later. Proverbs 17:28 says, “Even a fool, when he holds his peace, is counted wise: and he that shuts his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.”

If this is difficult for you, here is a tip. Before reacting, pause and ask God for wisdom and self-control. How much grief could we avoid—for ourselves and others—if we simply took a moment to pray first? A brief, heartfelt request, such as, “God, please give me peaceful words,” can make all the difference. This applies to all forms of communication, spoken or written.

Proverbs 15:1 adds another dimension: “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” The way we deliver our words can significantly affect whether we create peace or escalate conflict.

Peacemakers not only avoid harmful words, they use words that build others up.

Ephesians 4:29 reinforces this: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

II Timothy 2:23 warns, “Stay away from foolish and stupid arguments. You know that these arguments grow into bigger arguments” (Easy-to-Read Version).

Further, many family conflicts arise from a desire to be “right.” Yet have you ever walked away from a conversation knowing you were right—but feeling like you lost something more important? Before defending a point, ask yourself: Is this worth the strain on the relationship?

Peace is often found not in winning an argument but in valuing the relationship above personal pride.

Esteem Others Above Yourself

The third biblical key to being a peacemaker is humility. True peace begins with putting others’ needs and perspectives ahead of our own. Philippians 2 teaches this principle: “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves” (vs. 3).

Consider the needs, perspectives, and feelings of your family members. Ask yourself, “How can I serve them in this moment?”

Often, the simplest way to serve is by hearing them out. Yet peacemakers do not just hear—they listen to understand.

Proverbs 18:13 warns, “He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame unto him.” True listening means prioritizing the other person’s need to be fully heard—even when you think you already know what they will say.

Allow them to get it off their chest. This lays the groundwork for peace. Without it, the result is often misunderstanding and division.

Esteeming others above yourself also means reflecting on their positive qualities. Take time to consider what you respect about them. You could prepare for a difficult conversation by writing down and meditating on those traits. This reshapes your perspective and reinforces the goal of peace.

Christ exemplified this humility. Philippians 2:5-8 explains how He “made Himself of no reputation” and humbled Himself—even to death on a cross. He chose service over status. He chose others over Himself. Peacemakers must do the same.

Focus on Common Ground

The fourth biblical key to being a peacemaker is learning to seek unity over perfection. Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Agreement is necessary for cooperation, but it does not mean agreeing on everything.

Every family has differences, but these differences do not have to lead to conflict. Instead of magnifying disagreements, focus on building areas of agreement. Even one shared value can serve as a foundation for peace.

Perhaps you and a sibling disagree on politics, but you both enjoy watching basketball together. Maybe your teenager tunes you out during parental instruction, but brightens up during shared hobbies. A strained relationship with a parent may begin to thaw over fond memories or a favorite meal.

Peacemakers work with what is available. Words are like bricks in a strong structure. To build peace, we must use whatever relational materials we already have—our common ground.

Unity begins with small choices such as saying “we” instead of “I,” or offering a smile or word of thanks.

When a disagreement arises, look for anything you can affirm. Say, “You are right about that,” even if you disagree on everything else. That small point of agreement becomes the seed of peace.

By focusing on common ground, you apply Romans 12:16: “Be of the same mind one toward another.” The goal is not absolute agreement—it is mutual respect and relational harmony.

Think of one thing you and a loved one can agree on today—and build from there.

Be the One Who Starts Peace

James 3:18 summarizes all that we have covered: “And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.” True peacemaking is not passive—it is an ongoing, active process that begins with you.

These principles—taking initiative, practicing restraint, esteeming others and focusing on common ground—are like a ring of keys. Each one opens a different door to peace, and wisdom lies in knowing which key to use and when.

You may not always receive the response you hope for in attempting to defuse situations—but do not let that deter you. When tensions rise and the familiar question returns—Who started it?—ask instead, Who will start peace?

Choose to be that person. Not just once, but consistently, until peacemaking becomes part of who you are.

The results speak for themselves: stronger relationships, a calmer home and deeper family connections. Trust what God says. Follow His guidance. And experience the peace He wants for your home.

For many more practical tools for happy family relationships, read You Can Build a Happy Marriage and Train Your Children God’s Way, both by David C. Pack.